Why Do We Seek Approval from Others?

 

Why Do We Seek Approval from Others?

Almost every person, at some point in life, finds themselves looking for approval from others. Whether it is waiting for someone to compliment our clothes, hoping a boss praises our work, or checking how many people liked our social media post, the need for validation is a deep and common part of human experience. But why does it feel so important? Why do we care so much about what other people think of us? The answer lies in psychology, human evolution, and how our minds are wired to connect with others.

From the beginning of time, human beings survived in groups. Our ancestors lived in tribes where being accepted by the group was necessary for safety, food, and protection. Being rejected from the group could mean facing the dangers of the wild alone. So our brains learned to associate social approval with survival. Even though we no longer live in caves or depend on hunting together, our minds still hold on to the belief that acceptance equals safety and rejection equals danger. This is why we often feel anxious or upset when we think someone does not like us or when we believe we are being judged.

As children, we also learn to seek approval from our parents, teachers, and other authority figures. When a child does something and is praised with a smile, a hug, or kind words, the brain releases chemicals that make the child feel good. Over time, this process teaches us that pleasing others is rewarding. It shapes how we behave, how we speak, and how we even think about ourselves. For example, if a child is only praised when they get good grades or behave quietly, they may grow up believing they are only worthy of love when they perform well or stay silent. This early learning can carry into adulthood and cause us to constantly chase approval to feel worthy or lovable.

Approval-seeking is also closely tied to self-esteem. When people feel unsure about themselves, they often look outside for signs that they are doing okay. If someone smiles, agrees, or compliments them, they feel better. If someone criticizes or ignores them, they may feel crushed. This becomes a cycle where our happiness depends on what others think. The problem with this is that we cannot control other people’s thoughts or actions. Relying too much on outside approval can make us feel anxious, empty, or even lost because our sense of self becomes tied to things we cannot control.

Social media has made this even harder. Platforms like Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok are built around likes, shares, and comments. When someone posts a photo and gets many likes, it feels like a form of approval. It gives a quick boost of happiness. But when a post gets ignored or receives a negative comment, it can feel like rejection. Over time, this trains the brain to constantly check for signs of approval online. It can even become addictive. People might change how they look, what they say, or what they believe just to fit in or be liked by strangers. This can damage self-worth and lead to a life that is more about performing for others than being true to yourself.

Another reason people seek approval is fear—fear of being disliked, fear of failure, or fear of being seen as different. We often want to fit in, to be part of the group, and to avoid conflict. So we agree with others even when we do not mean it, hide our real feelings, or avoid taking risks. This fear can become a prison that keeps us from growing or expressing who we really are. The more we try to please everyone, the more we lose touch with our own voice and desires.

It is important to remember that wanting some approval is not bad. It is natural to want to be seen, heard, and valued. Relationships thrive on mutual respect and appreciation. The problem only begins when our entire self-worth depends on the opinions of others. If we constantly need praise or cannot handle criticism without falling apart, it is a sign we need to build inner confidence.

To reduce approval-seeking, we need to learn to trust ourselves. This means getting to know who we really are, what we value, and what we want from life. Spend time doing things that bring you joy, even if no one else sees or praises you. Practice speaking kindly to yourself, especially when you make mistakes. Instead of thinking, “They did not like my idea, so I must be stupid,” try thinking, “My idea matters, even if not everyone agrees.”

It also helps to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. True friends and healthy relationships do not demand that you be perfect or constantly perform. They value honesty, vulnerability, and mutual respect. When you are around people who love you for who you are—not just what you do—you begin to feel more secure in yourself.

Setting boundaries is another way to stop depending too much on approval. This means saying no when something does not feel right, even if others are disappointed. It means standing up for your values, even when they are unpopular. Every time you choose to honor yourself instead of pleasing others, you grow stronger inside.

Therapy or counseling can also help if approval-seeking is deeply rooted. A therapist can help you explore where this need comes from, how it affects your life, and what steps you can take to build healthy self-esteem. Often, approval-seeking is connected to old wounds or beliefs that no longer serve you. Healing those wounds can set you free from the need to constantly be liked.

At the end of the day, your worth does not depend on someone’s opinion. You are not a failure because someone criticized you. You are not less lovable because someone ignored you. You are not defined by likes, praise, or approval. You have value simply because you exist. Learning to believe this takes time and practice, but it is worth every step.